The Joker Ain’t the Only Fool: Part 2

To summarize mine and Carly’s relationship, I would have to use wonderful as my main adjective. We had an impressively long honeymoon period where we seemed to be high on each other’s smile. It was sweet and beautiful and I genuinely enjoyed most of the time I spent trying to make her smile.

I do understand that she was not everyone’s cup of tea and I’m certain she knows this as well. Some of you have raised concern that I disappeared from your life when Carly and I met. Others raised concern that I still haven’t re-entered your life after Carly and I parted. Whatever your feelings may have been on her, I or our relationship though, Carly and I got along rather famously. Many said we seemed meant for each other and had great hopes that we would make it through every tough time. My family absolutely adored her, she didn’t lose her cool or become irrational, she gave me my space and she had a bright future with comfort and security.

Why did it end then?
(backreaction.blogspot.com)

Well, a lot of reasons and to my family or Carly or Carly’s friends and family, none of them are likely justified or good. The break up as a whole was beyond atrocious and the reasoning for that is entirely my own. The depression was already mounting and I had pretty much failed an entire semester at university. I had made a fool out of myself in front of one of my favourite professors while giving a presentation about his passion and the thing I had set my career aspirations on achieving. I had come face to face with some of my greatest fears of disappointing those I respect, possible abandonment and the idea that I would be unable to provide for those closest to me. Tie that up with what I deemed to be a detrimental amount of failure and I had all but lost any ability to view the best in all things, a skill I pride myself on.

Any and all flaws Carly and my relationship may have had started pressing against me and I started weighing them honestly. I did my best to convince myself that all of my concerns were small details and little issues that every relationship has but they burrowed and consumed as they searched out my heart and mind.

I was pretty scared and Carly knew it. I did my best to share whatever revelations I thought I was having but my mind was broken and I just ended up hurting Carly any time I tried to find guidance with her advice. I thought maybe I was growing bored which led to talk of the 3 year itch. I brought up fantasies of mine that I feared never trying because I was with her. These fantasies led to ultimatums which I abhor myself for giving. Carly was desperately trying to rectify a problem that she held no puzzle pieces for. Every piece I seemed to offer only confused further.

Two other women became involved with the situation though I wish to make it very clear right now, cheating did not happen. It’s not something I even considered while dating Carly. Still, I needed advice so insert girl one, named Paige, who will be depicted through this photo

Pretty Gal
(reygarfaust.deviantart.com)

While I knew Paige hated the very idea of relationships, a fact that provided me hesitation and doubt, she insisted it would be okay and that our friendship and her want to help me through my upset would trump her rage.

Insert girl two, Karly, depicted by this photo

Also pretty
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Some may wonder why I gave Karly such a nice photo. Well, on the surface, past her confusion and overwhelmed judgment on the concept of human decency, Karly was a wonderful person to me. My rage at the time blinded a lot of that because of how colossal her fuck up was and because the depression was allowing me to do anything but think straight.

I was lost and I saw failure surrounding me with the eventual destruction of my three year relationship with Carly a clear obstacle on the horizon. I needed someone to show me I wasn’t alone and while Carly was begging me to let her be that person, I was terrified of allowing her if I thought for a moment that every doubt I was having meant what I thought it did. I didn’t want to give her false hope.

So I was a fucking idiot and collapsed into Karly. This brought on much more confusion and I turned to Paige for guidance. I turned to others as well for guidance and their advice was grounded. The main point being, to try everything I could before ending it.

I explored many options with Carly but found no peace with the idea that I still wanted her. Carly was beautiful, intelligent and sensational but when I took a step back she just wasn’t who I felt I wanted to adore for the rest of my life.

This made me feel insane.

Paige gave me very pragmatic and to the point advice while, at times, getting enraged about how much I was complaining about my uncertainty. While I didn’t adhere to her advice word for word, I did take it into strong consideration due to a great deal of logic she was using in her justifications.

Carly and I broke up on January 1st and while I found her a great person I could not separate myself from the understanding that she was not right for me. I had destroyed my friend by putting her through everything I was terrified of facing, abandonment. I didn’t deal with it well and neither did she. On top of all this, I was fairly certain I was disappointing almost everyone I knew who had such hopes for Carly and I.

This is about when I lost my mind and attached myself to Karly like a sick puppy while doing my best to preserve the masks I metaphorically wore. In elevating Karly to the pedestal where I placed her, everything else became a mere distraction to my want of her. That want, not to be alone myself. I ignored advice and abandoned friends 😦

Eventually, Paige had to move out as she was far too hurt by everything I had done and failed to do for our friendship. Karly and I deconstructed soon after. Once again, my friends had pulled me out of the lake before drowning and half way through another semester of failure, all I wanted to do was let other people do my thinking for me because clearly, I wasn’t doing a good job.

(pinterest.com)

You know the rest from the beginning of last entry but for the sake of framing the rest of this entry with some questions…

Where am I now?

What are my thoughts on relationships?

Women?

Is their anyone currently out there?

Well, I’m doing fantastically now, thanks for asking me 🙂 The past is exactly that and while I never outright ignore the past, I do understand I can do nothing to change it. Even my ability to segregate the bad and push it out of the way doesn’t keep me from understanding that it happened, it did, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t change the past so I won’t stress over the past 🙂

I will learn from it, shed the old filth from my exterior and grown larger and better.

Relationships, to jump onto the next question, are at once rubbish and wanted from me. At this point, I recognize within myself a need for a wife. I want that family and I want to feel I made the little kid in me happy.

Yet, there are so many more moments with many more women I want to experience. The feel of every hand in mine is starkly different, the way every woman will correct the placement of a hand in hers after the first attempt. The taste, feel and expression of each new set of lips. The expressions the eyes will spawn in different surroundings. Each new little mannerism branching out from wild and grounded thoughts. The way strong, vulnerable or fragile arms hug and hold you when they’re scared, happy or cold. When it comes to the world of intimacy, attraction and flirting, every single woman is one in three point four billion.

I simply can’t get enough of the discovery and it drives the thoughts home that a relationship would be bad for me but I don’t let it dissuade me either. Somewhere out there is, very likely, a woman that will make me immediately forget all this and I know I’ll want to hold her hand till the end. I never forget this and even with my highly flirtatious and less conservative lifestyle, I know she may be standing just to my right or left at any given moment.

Pictured: the left… there’s a line up to my right.
(classicbookreader.wordpress.com)

Of course, there’s a vast amount of fear in the world today and I find it pretty difficult to innocently chat with a woman that I haven’t met at a party or hasn’t ingratiated herself to one of the groups I tag along with. Club women are right out as every one, without fail, if they haven’t seen me dance has treated me like I have ebola. After they see me dance and approach me, suddenly, I’m the asshole for asking where my damn drink is.

More to the point, fear keeps a lot of potentially amazing relationships from happening cause we tend to assume the worst first and go from there. Caution is very important, I agree, but discussion is not the death of safety and while I have already stated that I’m a daft trough of a man whose ever swimming in an ocean of naivety, my opinion stands that fear caused by the world around us limits more adventure, creativity and love than anything else… Save for maybe those people who blast base out of their cars obnoxiously loud and don’t know how to muffler

It is at this point that I’d like to clear the air about what I meant regarding emotional women. I’ve tried to think heavily on this and past the pain that such actions cause I’ve noticed emotional is definitely the wrong word but the one I’ve grown to habitually use. Speaking of habitually, bitchy and irrational women are probably a better collection of words than emotional. Many women may think I mean that any emotion at all is bad and that simply isn’t true. I’m not going to flee your presence if you’re crying or happy around me. I use “emotional” because of my memories to my sister whose, once again, emotions only had three settings in my youthful mind.

– Ignore Rob

–  Bobby loves Whitney

– Hitler Hears a Jew

The latter, of course, being a much loved Disney classic which was riding the coat tails of Horton Hears a Who.

So, the biggest issue here, aside from wildly facetious and insensitive jokes, is that anytime a woman displays any emotion I can at all connect to my sister from the past, rational or otherwise, it triggers a form of fight or flight in me. Women can get angry at me and they can be bitchy to me, without setting this off, but for certain situations I can’t fully describe, they have the potential to make me share some ideals with Sean Connery.

Luckily though, the urge to use physical violence was long since secreted out of me by my lovely ma and pa. The problem though, is that I have a very good handle on words and know which ones to use for delivering devastating uppercuts in an elocutionary manner.

My words in fist form
(ign.com)

 So while I can never give you a certainty of what you should and should not do around me, if you do trigger my fight or flight mode, I will likely still be kind when I decide to socialize with you but I will never deem you possible for romantic appeal in the future… Which, now that I think of it, is probably a very attractive notion for many of you after reading this far.

A quick mention regarding men though as some of you have raised curiosity into the possibility of my sexual leanings. If I could put it any way, I’m sexually agnostic with heavy feminine leanings. It’s not that I would turn down a man, as I try to be a creature of beauty and discovery in all forms, but I just haven’t yet met that chap which makes me feel a dire need to present my old mud snapper to him. Time will tell, I guess.

So do I actually have anyone I’m interested in currently? Oh hell yes! Every time I enter a room, I’m attracted to someone and that goes double for rooms with a mirror. At all points in my life I can feasibly see myself sleeping with a high majority of my female friends and a great collection of the “friends” I haven’t gotten to know too well. In a less lustful sense though, the people I can see myself building a relationship with are much less. There may be four, currently, and they are either too unknown; too content in their single life; too immature, according to society, to date a man of my age without the world shunning the prospect of the romance ((Around the age of 20)); not interested; too fresh off a previous relationship or any combination of the collection.

Being thirty though, I either seek younger, get turned down by already married women or stay hopeful. Luckily, I do all three of these things. Though admittedly, I’m not exactly pawing around begging for my next relationship. I know some of the most divine women in the world and even though I’m no Ryan Gosling and I’ve admitted to all of my fears that I understand and brought forth the vast surplus of my many faults, making women whom I see as friends smile, brings me the greatest joy and greatest calm I can think to feel. It touches that young boy in me who only wanted to make a young lady feel like a princess for a bit. The type of princess we imagined before our minds grew up and we stuck so many negative connotations to every innocent youthful thought. I’ve never once viewed the action of making a woman smile as achieving a masculine quest of cock strong uber-fornicative thrustation. I just viewed it as doing everything correctly in my world and life. One of those few times my mind didn’t have the ability to tell me I’ve failed. Usually, these moments are accompanied by a dorky, boyish grin of my own 🙂

Not sure that’s a grin O.o
(movieactors.com)

No matter how much I may get jaded by women or frustrated with the dating game, because I lack skill of any sort, I will never be able to deny my complete adoration for women, no matter the woman. If I take risks by trying to speak or flirt here or there, I’m not just picking women at random to see who will bite the hook. I’m also not secretly making fun of you, I may understand there’s no future for us but I’m trying to make you smile first and foremost, then, I’m trying to help you see that one guy will always find a quality within you,

that he finds breathtaking 🙂